Eva Talks Autism: Disclosure

Eva Sheils

For the next entry into this column, I want to discuss the aspect of disclosing autism and how my relationship to it has changed in the last few weeks.

In terms of disclosure, I have had a somewhat complicated relationship, certainly during the stage between June 2020 and December 2021 where I ‘self-identified’. I shared this information with my close family and friends, but it  still felt like a secret that I had to conceal. Therefore, my behaviour in social situations, during that time, was altered as I was preoccupied with hiding this fact. Behaving this way as if, if I didn’t act ‘right’ I would be ‘found out’. Due to the wide range of ways autism can present itself in different people, I also felt as though I could not claim the autistic identity without a formal diagnosis, as I didn’t present it in a stereotypical way. Emphasis on the ‘I felt’ in that sentence, because of course self-diagnosis is valid, just as any actual diagnosis, of any neurodiversity usually begins with self-diagnosis, which is very likely to be accurate.

 Coupled with heavy masking, the attitude I had, even around people that I was close to and who knew I identified as autistic, was one of ‘yes, I’m autistic but don’t worry you won’t notice it’. This also continued after my official diagnosis. But after a few months this became tiresome to uphold. Although I am continually working through unmasking in front of others, disclosing the fact I’m autistic has become a lot less scary.

Beginning my course has helped exponentially in this regard, it was the first time that I had to tell ‘new’ people about my diagnosis, who did not know me before it. Although I knew that I didn’t necessarily have to tell anyone on my course, I did think it would be helpful in any group work setting, if others were aware. Based on the reactions of those first few people on my course, it became a lot less scary, so I do want to take a moment to thank those people for their kindness in those moments.

As time has moved on, studying my course at the university and eventually telling more people, has made it a lot less scary to tell people. Most of the time, they don’t care- it’s not as big of a deal to others as I think it’s going to be. Further, as I’ve disclosed more and more, I have gained confidence and even the idea that it is my choice when to tell people and how to disclose, works against the idea of ‘people not noticing’. This has also helped in overcoming any of the internalised shame regarding being ‘different’ before my diagnosis. Disclosing to people is an act of fully claiming my autistic identity and honestly it has begun to feel like a moment of empowerment. A full outline of ‘this is my identity, this is mine and I get to choose how to disclose it.’

I was diagnosed just over a year ago, which is a relatively short time, so I don’t have to have the act of disclosing all figured out yet. Sometimes people may not have the best reaction and not disclosing being autistic is the safer option for me and it doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of this fact. It also does not have to be a big dramatic moment either, it can be quite a casual moment if I want it to be and I can make jokes about it if I want, it’s mine after all.

Cover image courtesy of Unsplash.

Eva Sheils is a MA Film Studies Student, as well as a Health and Lifestyle Reporter and Monthly Columnist for The Scoop.