Maria Hassan

When it comes to sex, things are much simpler on screen.

Some heavy breathing and athletic thrusting always seem to result in simultaneous orgasm.

This force-fed diet of unrealistic content has a profound effect on how we feel and behave during sex.

When we see sex on screen for the first time, most of us are unaware that communication is a necessary precursor to pleasure.

There is nothing wrong with watching, but adult entertainment is no substitute for education.

In the absence of information, all we can do is give our best impression of what we think the other person wants.

With all this guesswork, it is no surprise that we can end up feeling disappointed with ourselves or the experience.

Self-consciousness and feelings of sexual inadequacy are common for people of all ages, genders, and sexualities.

This is a particular issue for young men, who are socialised into taking the lead by damaging heteronormative gender stereotypes.

A Natsal survey of young people’s attitudes to sex revealed that 19.7 per cent of young men felt they should have known ‘how to make sex more satisfying’ during their first time.

There is nothing wrong with aiming to please, but pressure is the opposite of pleasure.

Trying to live up to unrealistic expectations can result in a sexual confidence crisis.

Sexual dysfunction can arise from negative thoughts about sexual performance, sometimes referred to as ‘performance anxiety’.

This phrase tells us something about our bedroom behaviour.

If sex is a performance and orgasm is supposed to be the big finale, does sex without orgasm make us ‘bad’ in bed?

When it comes to orgasms, we know it is not a case of faking it until you make it. Although, it can be tempting to overact to spare a partner’s feelings.

Lack of body diversity on screen can result in worries about how we look, move, or even sound during sex.

By comparing ourselves to others, we are taken out of the moment.

This limits our ability to give and receive pleasure.

So, how do we deal with orgasm absence in an emotionally safe way? How do we stay present? How do we make sex a collaborative experience?

There is no easy answer. Every person and experience is different.

Remember when it comes to sex, everyone is learning. Every single time.

Maria Hassan is a Sex Education Facilitator with Common Youth and a journalism master’s student at Ulster University.

The Scoop does Sex Ed: Performance Anxiety